A Nanny Sandwich

Damaged Vanner

She has never been very fond of the new camping car, Vanner. She preferred the old home-made conversion of a Renault Traffic which she called Myfanwe (MY van oui?)

Nanny Ab is called that by Missy even though she is not a blood relative, only a mentor and guide all her life. The woman known as Auntie Mu, however, is a very old friend of Nanny’s and IS kin to Missy. They go back a long way having fled Salem together just in time and escaped the hangman’s noose on several occasions. They are tough old birds because when you have played “this little piggy” with the Witch-finder you tend to get that way.

Hearing that Missy and her Old Feller were off to see her old friend, despite the fact they were travelling in Vanner with both animals, Nanny Ab jumped in and refused to be removed. That is how she came to be talking German on a ferry.

Yesterday morning in ice and road works, they were setting off to the Wales Ape and Monkey Sanctuary and Missy’s friend Brenda so Nanny was very excited. She adores animals and is fluent in gibbon while only being able to get by in chimp and orang utan. Musing on this she suddenly uttered a loud “Ooooooooh” as she was thrown forward over the dashboard, followed by an exhaled “Ouuuuf” as she hit the back of her seat with the same force.

They were now in a sandwich with Nanny and Vanner in the middle. All the young men occupied with their road works were in a quandary. Was the lil ole lady going to go hysterical, should they call an ambulance and would these people all get off their bit of road please?

The cat’s tray having done pirouettes around the floor while other items did a wall of death, the occupants of the camping car were left paddling through cat litter and poo. Appearing at the door with a broom in her hand, Nanny Ab eyed the situation and giggled at the concerned lads.

“Well I never!” she exclaimed in her best Scottish accent. “First time I’ve been in a threesome!”

Reassured that she was not going to drop dead on them, they very efficiently arranged a tow truck to remove the offending camping car to the nearest services to wait for another tow truck to take them to a garage. Always looking on the bright side, Nanny said

“Oh good, services, that means frothy coffee” and hobbled off to get her usual bucket of cappuccino.


After that it all became a haze. Tow truck to garage, Vanner diagnosed as irreparable, hire car arranged to get two animals and some dazed humans back to France. Ayr, she pronounced was the world’s biggest omelette of damn good eggs! Everyone from David the tow truck driver, through Graham the garage manager and Kate Number One Taxi driver in Scotland, put themselves out end to side. Eventually Nanny spent a long while in Kate’s taxi doing what she does best – nattering and insisted on taking her photo for her special album of “especially lovely folks”.

Eventually the whole family piled into the hire-car and headed south, stopping for Nanny’s frothy coffees and short naps. In the end they took the Euro-Tunnel as it takes only 35 minutes and meant that the animals wouldn’t be left alone in the hire-car…Lily would have eaten it by then. It cost over £700 but having got home they all agree that it was an expensive lesson about driving in icy conditions.

Badger will take the hire-car back to Scotland by which time a final decision will have been made on Vanner – scrap or repair with second hand bits.

Nanny is back in front of her computer with her enormous mug of the hottest, blackest, strongest coffee you ever did see and is compiling her memoirs. She is also declaring that her travelling days are over…for good!

Nanny Ab
If I can’t go on my broom, I’m staying put!

6 thoughts on “A Nanny Sandwich

  1. You have a way of making a dire situation amusing as well as sad = tears. You need to banish that travel karma before someone delivers a juggernaut to your front garden/room/wall/ 😦

    1. Just the way we see it – you could cry and sob or cry and giggle. We are solving this curse by never travelling again except by bus, train or plane. Lil Custard-van can get me up to the shops and that is IT XXXX

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